Live From the Supreme Court of the Multiverse: Nine Justices Grapple With Monday, and One of Them Isn't Sure It Happened

UNIVERSE METAPHYSICAL LAWSUIT live blog coverage. All times approximate. Some times are disputed by the parties.

9:02 AM — The Justices Take the Bench

The Supreme Court of the Multiverse convenes this morning to hear Humanity v. The Universe, the liability case that asks a question Americans have whispered for generations: can you sue someone for inventing Monday?

All nine justices are present, in a sense. Justice Halloran is visibly alert. Justice Mbeki has brought her own coffee, which is technically a violation of the Court's rule against introducing new matter. Justice Void is here and also not here, which counsel on both sides agree is "on brand."

The court reporter, a temp named Denise, has already asked twice whether "the Big Bang" should be capitalized. Nobody has answered her. Denise is doing her best.

9:14 AM — Human Counsel Approaches the Podium

Marcie Okafor, lead counsel for Humanity, opens strong: "The Universe created Monday. The Universe created Monday recurring. This was not an accident. This was a design choice, and my clients have the calendar subscriptions to prove it."

Justice Halloran interrupts almost immediately: "Counselor, isn't Monday simply a consequence of the seven-day rotation you yourselves adopted?" Okafor: "With respect, Your Honor, the Universe made Tuesday through Sunday look good on purpose. That's entrapment."

Denise's transcript at this moment reads: "[inaudible] [inaudible] [a low hum that everyone felt]."

9:31 AM — The Universe's Argument, Delivered From Several Directions at Once

D. Alex Seron, arguing for the defendant, begins his presentation from four corners of the chamber simultaneously, a technique the Chief Justice permits because "it's faster."

Seron's core position: Monday is not a product but a service, and no damages accrue because, quote, "my client has never once forced anyone to get out of bed. That was always the plaintiffs' own legs."

Justice Mbeki: "But the gravity, Mr. Seron. The gravity makes it very hard to stay in bed, and also very hard to get up."

Seron: "My client denies designing gravity to be inconvenient. It was designed to be consistent, which the plaintiffs would appreciate if they ever experienced it."

9:50 AM — Justice Void Speaks, Sort Of

Justice Void's questioning arrives as a temperature change. Where other justices ask questions, Justice Void asks absences of questions, which counsel report answering "just to fill the silence."

At one point, Justice Void appears to ask whether Monday exists at all in the relevant jurisdiction. Okafor's face upon hearing this has already become a widely shared image, in the sense that several observers independently imagined the same picture.

10:05 AM — The Probabilistic Concurrence Incident

Here's where things went sideways for Denise.

Justice Yuen, known for concurring only partially, issued questions from a superposition — agreeing and disagreeing with both counsel at once. Denise attempted to transcribe the remarks and produced the following single line, which we reprint verbatim:

"MAYBE THE — yes, Your Honor — COURT NOTES THAT — no, that's not — MONDAY IS — [68% sure] — BOTH PARTIES SHOULD —"

Denise then requested a recess. The request was granted in every timeline except one.

10:22 AM — The Government's Friend Weighs In

An amicus brief filed by the National Association of Alarm Clocks was read into the record. It runs to one sentence: "We resign."

The Court accepted the resignation and, in a surprise move, appointed the snooze button as guardian ad litem for all affected parties. The snooze button has not yet responded, citing — and we quote the clerk — "nine more minutes."

10:40 AM — Closing Chaos

Okafor closes with a peroration for the ages: "If the Universe can invent black holes, it can invent a five-day week. It chose this. It chose Monday."

Seron's rebuttal is a single sentence delivered in all tenses simultaneously: "Monday was, is, and will have been a gift."

11:00 AM — Adjournment and Aftermath

The Court takes the case under advisement, which Justice Void notes is itself a form of Monday.

A decision is expected by the end of the term, or the beginning of it, or during a week that several justices insist does not apply to them. Denise has been offered counseling and a very generous tip from the gallery.

We'll be covering the ruling live, assuming — as always — that it happens, that it happened, and that Monday didn't get to it first.