Contempt of Cosmos: The Eight Wildest Stalling Tactics in Humanity v. The Universe, Ranked by a Judge Who Has Seen Everything
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If there is one thing the American legal system loves, it's moving fast. If there is one thing the Universe loves, it is doing absolutely nothing at a pace that makes continental drift look impatient. Put those two together and you get Humanity v. The Universe, the longest-running case in metaphysical jurisprudence and the only trial where the defendant has requested a continuance on the grounds that it hasn't finished happening yet.
We've compiled the most egregious stalling episodes from the courtroom record, ranked from "mildly annoying" to "the bailiff had to sit down."
8. The Motion to Suppress the Evidence of Everything
Early in discovery, the Universe moved to exclude all physical evidence on the grounds that all physical evidence "is my client." The judge denied the motion in four words: "No. Sit. Down. Please."
Legal Takeaway: You cannot simultaneously be the defendant and the exhibit list. We checked.
7. The Discovery Request for 13.8 Billion Years of Records
The Universe responded to Humanity's discovery request by producing literally everything, in no particular order, with no index. Human Counsel spent eleven months looking for a specific incident report inside a supernova.
Legal Takeaway: Complying with discovery in the most hostile way possible is legal. It is also, according to one clerk, "a war crime of paperwork."
6. The Appearance by Cloud of Gas
During one mandatory hearing, the defendant declined to appear in human form and instead manifested as a vast, slowly rotating nebula that filled the courtroom and knocked over the water pitcher. The judge asked if the nebula was sworn in. The nebula swirled. This was accepted as a yes.
Legal Takeaway: Courts have accommodated all manner of appearances. Nebulae are apparently within the letter of the rules. Barely.
5. The Expert Witness Who Was Also the Defendant
The Universe called an expert on cosmology to testify on its behalf. The expert was the Universe. When Human Counsel objected that this was circular, the Universe replied that circles are, in fact, its specialty.
Legal Takeaway: Objections on the grounds of "circularity" do not work when your opponent is fundamentally round.
4. The Deposition That Lasted a Glacial Period
Counsel for Humanity scheduled a four-hour deposition. The Universe answered the first question — "State your name" — over a period of 40,000 years, which its counsel billed as "one continuous answer, no pauses."
Legal Takeaway: Always specify a page limit on deposition transcripts. And an epoch limit.
3. The Motion to Disqualify the Judge for Existing Within the Jurisdiction
In perhaps its boldest filing, the Universe moved to recuse the presiding judge on the basis that the judge, being made of matter, resides inside the defendant and therefore enjoys an undisclosed benefit of tenancy.
The motion was denied. The judge then billed the Universe for the stress. The Universe paid in the form of a very nice Tuesday.
Legal Takeaway: Everyone lives inside the defendant. This is not a conflict of interest. This is the human condition.
2. The Continuance Pending Heat Death
Here it is. The big one. The Universe filed for an indefinite continuance of all proceedings "pending the heat death of the universe, at which point all parties will be available."
The gallery gasped. Human Counsel's objection was described by one observer as "a sound like a kettle achieving enlightenment."
Legal Takeaway: If your client controls the docket of reality itself, every delay tactic is theoretically available. This is why we can't have nice things.
1. The One That Actually Worked
And yet — and we hate to report this — one stall succeeded. The Universe's motion to adjourn a single hearing because it was "mid-expansion in several sectors and couldn't be in two places at once, unlike the plaintiffs' attorney, who is only in one place and should be grateful" was granted without objection.
One hearing. Rescheduled. Because the Universe was busy being everywhere.
The judge's written order granting it contains a single line: "Fine."
Legal Takeaway: Sometimes the most outrageous tactic is the one nobody bothers to fight. Justice, like the cosmos, is mostly empty and occasionally unfair.
The Road Ahead
Trial is scheduled to resume. Probably. The Universe has already filed notice that it may be late, citing "traffic," a defense Human Counsel has called "physically impossible" and "the most alarming thing it's ever said."
